Isn’t there some rule of blogging that you aren’t supposed to post about not posting? Probably, but I don’t really care. I took a really long and well needed break from social media. Here’s my wordy advice to you: If you’re going through some crap and you just can’t seem to bear the seemingly non-stop flood of other people who seem to win at life while you continue to lose, well then TAKE A BREAK in order to get some perspective. Since last summer, I’ve done a lot of thinking, complaining, crying, pouting, avoiding, and searching. I’ve gone through all those freaking stages of grief that therapists like me love to talk about. I actually got to the point where I could finally accept the fact that I lost my pregnancy, that many other people have healthy pregnancies, that lots of people have kids, and that I could actually have a pretty nice life even without procreating (think- trips abroad, lots of rescue dogs, a quiet and clean house, extra money… ahhh). It took a long time to get to that place…and it’s still a process. I still reference Idiocracy quite often.
I gave myself three months of moping after the miscarriage. When I found I was still bawling my eyes out over very basic and expected life stresses, I decided it was time to medically treat the depression I struggled with for years. I managed it pretty horribly for a long time through denial, anger, and various vices, and then later with clean living. But after the miscarriage I had no extra reserves and there was no motivation to exercise, eat well, rest effectively, or to do any of the other things that really did help manage my mood. Last fall, I swallowed my pride and began swallowing an antidepressant every day. And hot dog! They worked! I found myself doing things I hadn’t done in years, like blasting music while driving and dancing while cooking. It occurred to me that I’d probably been a bit depressed for quite a few years and just got used to it, which is just really sad. I recently stopped taking the meds for various reasons but I’m still doing okay. I realize I’m having to work a bit harder to manage my mood again, but I’m able to put the effort in, and I even danced in the kitchen just this morning.
I gotta say, I sure do envy the people out there in the world who have their brain chemistry just nice and lined up. Go ahead and enjoy that, you lucky dopamine blessed ones.
And for those of you who are more like me and you live with a more cloudy disposition, well here’s some advice:
As a mental health professional, it’s been hard to admit all of this. Admittedly, being a therapist seemed very intriguing as a 25 year old because I assumed that line of work would assure I had all of my shit together, which I longed for desperately at that time. Ten years later, I’ve found it’s actually quite the opposite. I don’t have my shit together. Instead, I am keenly aware of my baggage and in a constant state of reevaluation and improvement. It sounds kinda tiresome, but it’s actually pretty awesome.
So after a long fall and winter, it is now spring time. Last summer I planted a little baby Japanese maple in my messy garden as a way to memorialize the baby I lost. I love those trees and they thrive here in the Pacific Northwest. Its leaves are currently growing in for the season. Most of last summer, I could only look at it peripherally while watering the garden as it was too painful to look at it directly. But I’m able to see it in full view now and I’m quite happy to see it coming back for the year.
And, I’m sure I’ll be back to post more.