Letting go of resentment

7 Jul

Buddha quoteAn old friend recently posted very openly on facebook about his recent losses.  Considering his pain and suffering, I sent him a few messages and  hoped for his healing and happiness as I moved throughout my day, states away from him and years since I have ever even seen  him.  I wonder how just those caring thoughts can offer comfort and help lighten the burden, even if just a bit.  If it actually works then that is quite amazing, especially if that process can occur from hundreds of miles away.

I admit my initial post online about our fertility issues and the recent miscarriage was primarily an act of rebellion.  I’ve written before about my love/hate relationship with facebook.  So recently I kind of snapped when I went online and found it to be so hollow, so fake.  I wanted to shake it up, I wanted to shout across the endless streams of clouded, filtered photos of lemonade and kiddie pools to declare that life isn’t all about a sugary drink and sometimes it really fucking sucks.  I know people out there are living life in complex ways just as I am.  I know you all hurt and struggle.  I know it is gritty and awful at times, and those happy lemonade moments make it all seem worthwhile.  And yet all we see online are the happy vacations, the selfies with no double chin, and the subtle bragging about #yummy meals.  I do it too.  This isn’t how any of our lives are though.  It’s fake.  I think we can all admit that.  We choose to display the best five minutes, or the parts that are the easiest to show publicly.  We don’t show the sadness, the arguments, the losses, the bitterness.  That’s all part of life too.   I can certainly understand not wanting to show everything publicly but I also compare my life to those happy pictures I see online, and I feel I’m falling short.  It feels hollow and sad.

Of course one of the simple remedies from this situation is to simply close the laptop and go outside, which I have been doing.  You should see my garden, it is looking nice!  Writing, and sharing, about the pain and craziness of infertility and miscarriage has quickly transformed my online life from a distraction that often led to resentment to a place of support.  I’ve heard from people all over the country and the world, old friends I’ve lost touch with and who I have missed.   Some of the very people I judged and resented because of their seemingly perfect lives have lovingly shared with me details about their own suffering and sadness.  It reminds me that we’re all in this together.  To anyone reading this, and to all of you who have written to me, thank you so much.  You have helped me let go of my resentment and to focus more of my energy on healing, rather than on anger and jealousy.  I can feel your love and support, not just online but in the real world too, and it helps me through each and every moment.  And for those of you out there who are suffering, I encourage you to speak up and reach out.  It really does help.

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